Mid-life, quarter-life, your entire life, what ever the identity crisis, strip down to the bare necessities and you’ll find yourself. I’m no psychologist and I’m no sage. But there’s a reason we lose ourselves in the first place. We mask ourselves under name brand clothes, designer handbags, expensive shoes, makeup, hair gel, plastic surgery, fancy cars, the list goes on. No wonder we forget who we are.

Sometimes, it’s not even materialistic things. We become accounts and doctors and lawyers because our parents want us to. We become this and we become that just so we have the approval of others. We are too busy pleasing everyone else in order to please ourselves. We become someone we’re not. We wear that mask for so long that sometimes we lose ourselves completely.

Some of us can put up with that facade for a very long time. Others can’t. I couldn’t. Pretending to be who I am only gave me pretend friends, pretend relationships and a pretend life. My pretend friends pretended to care. My pretend relationships pretended to exist. My pretend life pretended to be real. It was all pretend and I pretended to be happy. But then I realized, life’s too short to be anything but happy. So I dropped all the pretending.

Now, I’m okay with being a nerd. I prefer crossword puzzles than Cosmopolitan. I prefer the newspaper than celebrity gossip magazines. I prefer museums than night clubs. I’m okay with wearing last year’s clothes. I prefer traveling than shopping. I’m okay with being weird. I prefer to eat my pizza with a fork and a knife (pizzahut) lmao. I prefer to listen to my gangster rap then listen to what’s ‘in’. I prefer to stay true to my videogaming, internet-addiction than thinking its cool to not blog about my life. I’m more than okay with who I am.

There will always be another bag, another pair of shoes, another car but there will never be another Mom, another Dad, another Grandparent or Siblings. And there certainly will never be another you, another me and another life. Just one.

As I grow older (or maybe I’m just old), the relationships I have with people closest to me mean more than a $2,000 COACH bag. But I’ve been so focused in school and work that I completely undervalued, and perhaps even neglected, nurturing the relationships I have. They make me who I am. I can’t just them buy off the shelf. They are irreplaceable but they won’t be here forever.

Candice

The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is the fact that THIS is not “it”. There must be more that I’m supposed to experience and more He has for me. Jesus promised that tomorrow would worry about itself. So I cast my cares, oh and my many fears, into His Almighty hands.

“…I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

-Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

A sigh of relief perhaps. To have traveled, not like all the rest, but to be scared and look past all the fear, and strive into the unknown path that only God himself has written for us.

Ps. 23 says “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff comfort me.”Even in all the pain of life in the valley, God is with me. As shepherd in the storm, God does not leave His sheep. And He will not leave me. Nor you. And years and years will pass, and looking back we’ll sigh. A sigh of relief. We did not travel the path that the world has taken. We have traveled the path of the few, and that, THAT has made the difference. The travel has made the difference in our character. our faith. our hope. our successes.

As someone wise once said, this too will pass. Be encouraged. The shepherd has not forgotten about His sheep. Even in the valley.

Love and Compromise.

Independent relenting, dependence submitting. Where is my soul going again? Sometimes, I forget so willingly. Basking in this reality. I don’t need you, but I want to. I want you, but I don’t need to. Maybe perfection is far from appealing, or maybe perfection is far more alluring. Won’t you get a clue about it? I’m afraid I lost all my sense far too long ago, along with my memory. Basking in my own little reality. Who was I again? Lost in your shadow, so easily submerged into your skin, your soul, your mold. Stranger, friend, lover, soul, it seems the process always ends in relent. Someone has to give to take. Someone has to lose to gain. I just wonder where I end up in this game. Maybe stay a little sane, loose a little pain, or gain a heartache. Either way, I’m losing myself everyday.
Independence where are you?

—————-deep!